Kind of depressed.

The worst is beginning to come true. I hate being happy - everything always goes downwards after. So much for being in a good mood for once .. it's not ever worth it anymore, no one is making it worth it for me..

Nostalgia hit me.

So I was on the bus, on my way home today, and there was only a seat left beside a guy who seemed very familiar - oh it was Tomasi, "why is he on the 410?" I asked myself. But just seeing him, falling asleep several times on the ride, may I add, made so many thoughts appear in my mind. I was wearing sunglasses, so he didn't recognize me, but he did look when I leave, so I'm sure he just, like me, didn't want to say "hi." Anyways, the reason I started thinking was because Tomasi was an old classmate, I've known him since grade eight. Plus, to add to that, I was listening to music that I constantly listened to back last summer, which kicked in more memories. And so, I thought about how we had class together, and random thoughts about how he's younger than me, and eventually I saw Cody at a bus stop and I was like, wow, another old classmate, who I've known longer than Chan. Back in elementary, I think Cody was the first guy who's ever liked me, and I thought about how stupid that was, but I think him and Nora are going out now and I thought it was cute because they've known each other for about 7+ years? I don't know, Nora is my friend and my ex-neighbor so it's cute. Then after that I was going through a list of past guys (awkward but yeah, I have an odd mind) and I went to Brian next, and it made me think of horoscopes, such a stupid and childish 12 year old I was back then, all that silly puppy love makes for funny memories, though. Cody is Cancer, not my best bet, I get why that didn't work, Brian is Pisces, set him aside for now, Billy was Virgo, one of the worst, then Brandon was a Gemini, but I left him because he's ugly (LOL), then a Capricorn, Kurtis, but he was shorter than me, and then I skipped the in betweens before I met Ken, and he's a Pisces as well. But the difference is, Ken's the only one I cared about, haha. Anyways, then I thought about Ken. And everytime I do, nostalgia hits me like crazy. And I felt like crying, not because I was sad, but because I missed the past, and a little because I was grateful, for coming this far. Thinking about how I met Ken more than 2 years ago, and how we're still here, I smiled silly to myself. Back then, all I remember was he's some guy Alice kind of liked, and he was some really tall, emo haired, little boy. Nothing important to me - and now? He's everything to me. I thought then about how we are now, skipping our relationship and break up, just the now. And I was saying to myself how I'm happy right now. How I believe that he really does feel the same, more or less about me. Not the relationship, but just about me. I know I care about him, and no matter how much I want to flip him across the country when he pisses me off, at the end of the day, I would take a bullet for him. And if I feel that way, I have to trust that he does, too. I remembered that conversation we had, the stupid one where I bawled like a donkey in his room after I thought he said he didn't love me. But I was stubborn, and he said it's what I was doing that was making him have a reason not to love me, but that of course he loves me. I smiled again. And that's all I needed to remember. He loves me no matter what. After dealing with him for a while now, and working hard for him to stay, there's no way I can say I don't care about him and that he doesn't care either. I got off the bus, and continued my thoughts. I looked up into the clear blue skies, and took a fresh breath of air and smiled once more. Happy, I was actually happy thinking about Ken. About how far we've gotten, no matter the bad memories, the fights, everything. We're here, we still care, we still love. And maybe someday we would get back together, but not in any year soon, for sure. And it's sad that I've gotten used to not seeing him everyday, and only seeing him once a month or twice, or three times if I'm lucky. But as long as I'm still one of the more important people in his life, I don't care about other girls, they will never have what Ken and I have. Even though he's not officially mine, I still like to think every once in a while, before I sleep, about his smile, his cocky attitude, everything that makes me hate and love him all at once, and I think about how this kid, someone who was almost nothing to me, is just someone who has so much impact to me. Love is complicated. I continued to walk down my road, and I was thinking about people I love. Boys to start with, I thought, really hard. And I could honestly say, anyone not related to me, I don't love. There's a difference between caring about someone, loving someone, and both. I love Ken, and I also really really care. But that's rare, there's a lot of times where friends say to each other "Oh you love me!" or "LOOL I love you :3" but not seriously. It happens, but when it comes down to it, could you live without them? Probably. So like I said, Ken's the only one I can say I would really not be able to live without. Guys like Chris, sure if he got hurt, I would care, and if he died, I would cry, but months after, I would let him go, he was a good friend, still is, but we don't talk, and so he doesn't matter. That's just an example. And for girls, same thing. Here's the people I truly love: My family, not all relatives, but my family. My girls - Chan, Alice, Lau .. even Sukhjit, even though we don't talk, she's one of the best friends I've ever had. And of course Ken. Those I can say "I love you" to, and really mean it. I may not watch what I say, and say "I love you" like there's not tomorrow, but I'm smart, I know I shouldn't, and I don't do it anymore, that was something I did, like, what? 3 years ago? Haha. What a cute lg I was .. shut up, I'm not lg LOOL. Anyways, I don't know. Then my thoughts reverted back to Ken. How I miss him right then and there. I wondered where he was. And I wondered when I'd next get to see him. "Next week? Next month? .." I frowned at that... such a long wait, I am so jealous of those who see him everyday. I want that privilege. But it doesn't matter for now. I remember how I will see him on the finale day. I'm supporting this kid, no matter what. He deserves a lot, and I won't get in the way. But when it's done, I just hope he won't forget me.